Desperation

This, in all likelihood will be my last posting here, or anywhere else.  I have too many RL issues that will not go away and are bringing me down.  In SL last night I spoke with my superior (she’s not my Mistress, but her deputy) and the way she told me of her second life made me realise that I can never aspire to be what my Mistress needs, nor what I should be myself. Some of the “games” these people can play with one another scare me witless.  I have been bound, partly blindfold and loosely gagged for three days, now and I really am unravelling.  I have no stamina, no stomach for some of the incredibly erotic scenarios Silvie described.  I simply could not do them.  And worse, even if  I could do them, that would simply be doing something already achieved  by someone else braver and more resilient than I.  The people I have met (Lex, Thaddy, and now Silvie) leave me with a powerful inferiority complex.  I am useless in this context.  This feeling, this aching emptiness was magnified this morning when yet again there was no Mistress to talk to, no Silvie to prop me up.  Yes I’m weak and selfish!  I do know that!  Seeing someone who was a friend sometime ago, but has moved on to different things just showed me how shallow I am.  I cannot abide here much longer.  I am sorry.  Goodbye.

Yes, I know “here’s the drama queen doing her thing”.  It’s not like that.  I would like to find my way, but I’m lost!  Really lost.  I do not know what to do.  You see one part of me wants to try some of these erotic games and one part wants to run away screaming.  One part thinks I could do it with encouragement from my Mistress, the other part says “How dare you put the onus on your Mistress in these matters?”.  Would my Mistress even want to do these things?  I do not know, she is not here to ask, and I don’t even know whether I dare ask her.  Oh, Ye Gods, what do I do?  Any advice would be very gratefully received before I implode!

~ by Ayesha Askham-Ezvalt on August 4, 2008.

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