Discipline & Punishment

As I write this I am in punishment.  I know why also:  I have been less than honest with my Domina.  My RL self is not female, mind you nor is my RL self male!  My RL self inhabits a strange intersex world, neither flesh nor fowl, one sex or the other. My parents, bless them, wished for another boy; they got me.

Even the medics at my birth didn’t know what I was!  My birth certificate took 9 days to be filled out – by that time it had been decided that although major sexual characteristics suggested that I was female, a boy I was to be!

Five years and three surgical interventions later I was mostly a boy!  In my earliest photographs I do not look like a boy, because I wasn’t then.

At school I was a boy, I grew up as a boy, though I was never terribly comfortable as one, and I needed two more operations to cure small but painful problems.  At the time I didn’t know why they occurred.  I do now.

At puberty more problems arose, and I spent the next 7 years, until college, on androgenic hormones.  Not that I knew them for what they were.  At college I grew into the understanding of what I was, and frankly, I didn’t like it one bit!  They altered my body, but not my mind, and that was crucial to what happened in the next 10 years.

I stopped the hormones, and hoped for some changes.  None came; I was as male after 5 years as I had been at 17.  I talked to a guy at college who was very knowledgable about gay issues (sorry I cannot name him, it wouldn’t be fair); I soon realised that I was not Gay!  Surgery was a route I could take wasn’t it?  Well, no actually.  For one thing reassignment surgery is hideously expensive, and for another, the tinkering that had been done years before had left too much internal damage for reassignment to be safe!

I have tried feminising hormones with very limited success, some treatments are beneficial, one nearly killed me!

I have a lifestyle that is essentially male, and as such is excruciatingly inappropriate.  When my SL avatar was first rezzed in April this year, I was reborn!  I have never experienced anything like the pleasure I can obtain from simply being Ayesha.  I doubt if I could adequately explain myself to anyone in-world or out.

When I at last met Rachael Ezvalt, my Domina, I felt complete.  But I didn’t tell her of my ambiguous gender.  That was foolish, for she is wiser than most, and soon came to understand me better than I do myself.

I will endure my punishment, given fairly for not being open enough.  I cannot bear the thought of losing my contact with my Domina.  I accept that many people in-world will be outraged or upset by this “revelation”.  That is another punishment that I must endure.  But my friends, please understand this: I have never tried to act shemale or ambiguously in-world.  In-world I am what I’ve wished to be for as long as I have been aware.

I am Ayesha.  I am submissive.  I truly love my Domina.  I am lesbian, though Steph Mazie found a bisexual side to my personality that I didn’t know I had.  Somehow I will get through this, and I will not change my SL gender or orientation, ever.  I just wish I could do it in RL.  Please, I beg you all, be fair with me, I don’t cheat people!

~ by Ayesha Askham-Ezvalt on September 9, 2008.

2 Responses to “Discipline & Punishment”

  1. There are no words for how I feel after reading this….how could you do this to me? It was all about trust remember?

  2. Yes. Trust. TRUST! S. M. I do remember! I’m not sure that you do! I’m disappointed. I am not sorry.

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